I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
