My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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