You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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