I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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