90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize