If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
