why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
