Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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