Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize