return my video game
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
