FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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