i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
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