She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
