Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
