apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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