he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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