I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
