definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
