My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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