I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
