I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Your cock deserves a montage
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
