well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize