Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
