I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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