I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
