I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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