dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
