I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
