I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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