hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
