My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
