it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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