it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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