It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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