How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
