You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
