There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
