i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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