i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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