I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It's just like the Real World with babies
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
