i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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