Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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