drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
