omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
