Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I didn't notice because vodka
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
