sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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