i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
