im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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