I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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