i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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