Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
