well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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