I can't breathe out the right side of my face
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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