Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize