Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
