He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Randomize
