You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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