1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
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