I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
