I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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