Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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