he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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