I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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