Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
