went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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