I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
