i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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