He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
